Doctor Ira Berkowitz 'Funnybone' Section
As many of you know, Adobe Family Practice acquired Ira's practice in February 2009 after Ira felt it time to take a sebatical. While Ira's not in the office, his 'funnybone' remains in almost every exam room each day. Ira refused to sell the practice unless we'd share his philosophy of deep compassion for our patients and the sharing of the human spirit, to include a bit of the human funnybone.
The task: share a funny story with patients who are ready for such a time, with the understanding they were to also bring a story to the office. We've gotten a 'cast' of regulars who bring along a story as well as a newer generation of youngsters who've learned to lighten life's journey by sharing a funny story- true or make believe.
Ira- you've given a wonderful gift to the practice. We'll be recording some of the funny stories below, with of course, one or two new stories each week. While we'll attend to your health care needs, we need you to also bring along your best material. One of our 'regulars' who shows up, despite being 'gone' is the king of comedy- Rodney Dangerfield!
New Study on Dyslexics
As we have all heard, dyslexics are people who reverse letters in words when they read; for example the word 'jam' would appear as 'maj' to their way of reading. Dyslexia can pose a major educational problem for many people, however, there are tools they can learn to use to change how they perceive words. Most people can overcome much of the difficulty of dyslexia. But some people just aren't that concerned with word order.
So, it came with little surprise, that a group of dyslexics claimed they had more 'nuf' than non-dyslexics!
Patient with Kleptomania
As you all know 'kleptomania' is the irresistable urge to take things which do not belong to that person.
We have a patient with kleptomania. A bad case, a really serious case. I told him that when it gets really bad, he should take something for it!
First Story from a Patient
Don't they understand- it's already full!
Why do people keep trying to put words in my mouth?
Don't they realize my foot's in there half of the time? It's already full!
Standard Therapies for Treatment
Mister Johnson, the doctor says, we've exhausted all conventional measures in trying to cure your condition. Each has failed.
One last desperate option is to put you on an 'alternative medicine' therapy which has a 96% success rate. Are you interested?
(Which is why we use 'best' practices instead of 'standard' practices.)
In Memory of Larry LaPrise
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world, it's worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Pokey', died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 93.
The most difficult and challenging moment for his family was getting him into the coffin.
First, they put his left leg in--and then the trouble started!
Patient Chooses Different Path
One of our patients decided to take a different path in life, and for good reason.
He said when he dies, he wants to die peacefully in his sleep- just like his dad did-instead of sceaming in terror like the passengers in his car, as they went off the cliff!
(Might be a good idea to get enough sleep if driving a long distance, or to pull over and then sleep.)
Rodney Visits Dr Vinnie Boombatz on Geting Better
I tell you doc, I just can't take it no more. Why I'm in such bad shape, I can't even donate my body to science fiction! This is just depressing! I Know what I'll do- I need an exercise program- what do you think doc?
Dr Vinnie: 'You could walk 5 miles a day. It could help.'
14 days later...
Rodney: 'Doc, I need your help- I've been walking 5 miles a day for 2 weeks. I'm 70 miles from home. This program just ain't working! Now I'm depressed and lost!'
Once Rodney Got Back, he sees Dr Vinnie
I tell you doc, I ain't been feeling right since I got back from that work-out. First I'm hot, then I'm cold. Why, I don't know if I'm falling in love or if I got the flu again!
Doc Vinnie: 'Do you have a thermometer Rodney?'
No, I guess I need one. Doc, what's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Doc Vinnie: 'The taste.'
Rodney Meets the Surgen General
I tell you what my problem is-- I meet all the wrong people. Why just last week I met the Surgeon General. You know- he's the guy in charge of the Public Health Service for the whole country.
Yeah, so, there I am standing outside of this big impressive government building with this leader of the health care industry. I still can't believe it...he offered me a cigarette! I tell ya, I just can't take it no more!'
Rodney Meets His New Dentist...Maybe
I tell ya, I get no respect. It's hard to find good people. And it's really hard to find a new dentist. But I found out, last week, how a few key questions can help to weed out who you don't want to see.
So there I am meeting my 'maybe' new dentist. I told him my teeth were dark yellow. He suggested I try a brown neck tie! I tell ya, I get no respect! That's the story of my life- no respect!
Rodney Needs a New Eye Doctor... in Santa Fe
I tell ya doc, I need some help here. Why, I don't know what I'm seeing anymore! Last night I was out with this cute blond. She had on on one of those low cut tops with the spagetti straps and wow, was she built!
We were out at this nice Italian place. She was having the shrimp with pasta primivara, and I was having the chicken alfredo- and they actually had decent chunks of chicken. We were having a good time. Then, she dropped her fork on the floor and next thing I know I'm leaning over to help her. Meantime, she's bending over to get her fork.
I swear to you doc, it looked like she'd hidden two pieces of my chicken alfredo in her top! It's a sad situation, sad I tell ya.
Ya gotta help me get my vision back, doc! I tell ya, this is a matter of life and death here!
Rodney Tried to Date in Santa Fe
I tell ya, I don't understand women anymore. Why, in the old days they used to tell me I was too 'rough' and 'tough', now I'm too 'soft' and 'sensitive'. I just don't know anymore!
Why, several years ago I was in Santa Fe making a small movie and I met this gal that was straight of out the '60's. I liked the '60's, so I figured it'd be great to take her out for a date.
So, I planned to take her out to a nice place for dinner, have a few drinks, and then go out and look at the stars together. It sounded perfect!
When I got to her place to pick her up, she had her hair in pigtails...under her armpits! That wasn't one of my better dates. No, not one of the better ones. I tell ya, it's hard to understand women, hard! I need some help here, ya know?
Rodney's Old Man -a Real Workaholic
Now a days everyone wants to tell you how hard they're working. Growing up, when I did, you really had to go and work hard, every day. Every day! Hard work, I tell ya!
People now a days- they have a different idea about work. I guess it was my old man who got it all started.
Why, my old man, he was a real workaholic!
You'd mention work, and he'd go out and get drunk!
Grandson to Grandpa- a Simple Question
Fresh material from one of our patients:
Grandpa, can you talk like a frog or a toad?
Grandpa: No, not really.
Could you try really, really hard to do it?
Grandpa: I don't do frog or toad impressions. Why the sudden interest in amphibians?
Because Gramdma says as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyworld!
Apple or Apple Pie?
Question from heavy man sitting on exam table:
Are sure you told me to eat, 'An apple a day' and not 'An apple pie a day'?
Cannibals and Clowns
Why do cannibals not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Santa Fe Plaza Happenings
So, a cucumber and a carrot are hanging out on the sidewalk downtown in the Plaza, just soaking up the sun and a great day. All of a sudden a taxi cab comes flying down the road, jumps the curb and hits the carrot- slamming it against a wall. And the cab drives off down the road.
Well, this is Santa Fe, and people are concerned, so they rush on over to help the carrot. They take the carrot to the hospital to see what can be done. And, despite everyone's best efforts, the carrot turns out to be a vegetable.
So, the cucumber and the carrot have a friend- the tomato. But the tomato's having a bad day- in fact he's all 'torn up'. So, how do they help the tomato get back together, solid and looking good?
Easy- they use tomato paste.
Rodney's Having A Rough Day
It's a 'usual' day for Rodney- he's getting no respect. So, he decides to have a few drinks- something strong to take away the pain. So he finally gets the bartender's attention.
Rodney: Hey buddy, I need something strong. Make me a Zombie.
Bartender: I'd like to Rodney, but it seems God's already beat me to it.
Rodney Buys a Used Car
I tell ya, I tell ya, I just can't take it no more!
Why last week I bought a used car. My wife's dress was in the back seat!
Rodney Gets a Great Visit- at the Front Door
I tell ya, I just don't know any more.
Why last night my wife greeted me at the front door, wearing a sexy negligee!
The only problem was that she was coming home!
Rodney Has a Short Talk with His Son
I tell ya, my kid, my kid's something else. Why kids now-a-days, they think they know everything!
So, I'm trying to help my 17 year-old son understand how hard life can be, how much he has to hustle, and how it's rough out there. So I tell him, "It's rough out there. One day you're gonna grow up and have kids of your own...'
He tells me, ' So will you!'
I tell ya, I just can't take it no more!
Rodney's Advice on The Early Bird
I know, you guys are open Monday thru Friday from 12 noon until 8 at night. That's good- people who actually work for a living can get in. That's alright. Yeah, that's alright.
But don't get crazy when you guys open early on Saturday mornings at 9 a.m. (and stay open until 3 p.m. or 5 p.m.): don't go crazy with that 'early bird' way of thinking.
You know, as they say "The early bird gets the worm". Yeah, well I say (Tha Wack): It's the second mouse that gets the cheese!
Rodney's Take on Nuclear Issues
I tell ya, people have a problem staying focused on important issues. When we talk about nuclear weapons, nuclear enrichment, nuclear material- remember it's pronounced nu-kle-er, the "S" is silent.
Phil, at the end of the bar, why he can't say the word without saying the "S". I tell ya. Why, I'll tell ya the whole story. The whole story. Okay?
Rodney Feels "Like a Million Bucks"
Rodney stopped by the other morning. I asked him how he was doing.
Rodney said, "I feel like a Million Bucks".
"I fell Old, Wrikled and Green (around the gills)! I tell ya, I just can't take it no more!"
And he still gets no respect.
Rodney's Not Feeling Well
Rodney stopped by again. He's still getting no respect.
Ya got to help me!
You know my regular doctor- Dr Vinnie Boombatz. So, I went and saw him this morning. I told him, "Doctor, every morning I wake up, I look in the mirror, and I want to throw up. What's wrong with me?"
He told me, "I'm not sure, but your vision is perfect!"
Iona Volunteer Fire Department Saves the Day!
New York State has the best Italian food in the country. Why, people from all over New England come to Guito's Italian Sausage Factory to get discounts on the best Italian Sausage in the area.
But Guito's Italian Sausage has a disaster: a fire errupts, engulfing the facility that employs 157 people. The family recipies are locked in a safe, in a fire-proof vault in the factory. But the vault and the safe can only handle so much heat- then they're consumed and burned up, if not rescued in time.
The owner, Vinnie Guito is running back and forth looking as the dozens of fire crews fight the 5 alarm blaze. Every unit from the county and every available unit from 5 surrounding counties are at the blaze- hundreds of men fighting with their pumpers and foaming trucks to put out the greasy blaze.
Vinnie asks the on-scene brigade chief, "I'll offer $50,000 to every firefighter who braves the center of the fire and saves the family recipies, and puts out the fire. Do you have any takers?"
The quick response from Chief Johnson: "It'd be suicide. I can't ask anyone to do it.".
Vinnie is nervously looking from side to side. He approaches Chief Johnson again, "I'll give each brave man $100,000 if they can save the family recipies before they burn up. It's been 15 minutes more. They can't handle the heat!"
The chief replies that he'll notify the men, but he's even called in the local volunteer fire departments to help with the blaze.
Almost on cue, the Iona Volunteer Fire Department- a group of Italian guys 65 years and above is rushing to the fire scene with their foamer truck, to assault the grease fire. The truck flies past the first row of outside engines. They fly past the second row of engines, shooting their hoses at the fire. They fly past the first row of guys in the heat, trying to cool the hot blaze. Into the heart of the inferno the volunteers bravely rush!
The Iona fire crew shoots their foam at the heart of the fire- each man fighting like ten men- like their very life depended on putting out the fire. Sure enough, the fire starts to die down!
Other crews rush in to take over the advantage that the brave Iona volunteers started, and the fire dies down, and dies down, and shortly it's just a mop-up operation.
The brave men of Iona drive their foamer truck back to debrief with the Brigade Chief. There Vinnie meets the crew and chief of the truck that saved the day!
"Chief, I'm going to give $200,000 to each brave man on your truck-you saved the family recipies, and we can rebuild and 157 people will get their jobs saved, due to your bravery. The only thing I want to know is what will your men do with such an award?"
The Iona Chief thinks for a moment, then responds, " Well, the firsta thinga were a gonna do is a fix a the brakes ona the truck!"
Old Lady to Pirate
Old Lady: So Pirate, how are you this day?
Pirate: ARR-I be fine!
Old Lady: Fine? You're missing you right leg- you have a peg leg!
Pirate: Arr. Sharkey went after me leg when I fell into the sea. Me mates fished me out, at the last minute, while old sharkey took a bite of me right leg. He got the leg- but I got the rest of me. So I be fine!
Old Lady: And you're missing your right arm! You have a hook instead!
Pitrate: Arr. I met up with a swordsman better than meself. I lost me right arm to the man, but I still have the rest of me. And me hook serves me well!
Old Lady: And you're blind. You have a patch covering your right eye!
Pirate: Arr. I had a seagull fly overhead and drop some dung in me eye.
Old Lady: That won't make you blind!
Pirate: Arr. It will if you forget that you have a hook on your right arm!